Reflection

A lot has happened since my last blog.

The most detrimental has to be my marriage racing to the point of extinction. I cannot lie and say that my marriage has been the best. To my readers, this may be an understatement. It's been rocky no doubt, and adding a child in the mix just made things all the more complicated. It only made my expectations of him higher. When you have high expectations then you're likley to get dissapointed. Dissapointment was my companion for many years.

One day, after a weekend that was supposed to be filled with laughter and joy, only to be replaced with tears and anguish, I was at a crossroads in my life, a fork in the road you may say. Either I can endure the constant barage of dissapointment, or I can be brave and make the decsion to strive to be happy once again. I told him that I was through, and that I wanted a divorce. He cried and pleaded of course, but my decsion was already made. Nothing he could possibly change my mind. I want a divorce.....

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at least, that's what I thought I wanted.

It's a shame that you just can't turn love off. If we were able to do that, and finally let the mind think instead of the heart, we would save ourselves from a whole lot of pain in the end. Unfortunately, the human race is just not built that way. We let our emotions get the best of us. We let our emotions rule us, so much to the point where it gets us burned numerous times.

Love is stupid I have to say! But then again love can push us to strive to be better people, especially when you think you're going to lose your special someone. Love is never simple. It's complicated, dirty, painful...shall I go on? But at the end of the day, what happens when you can't possibly see yourself with anyone else? Is it just because your scared?

This is where I found myself.

I was at a fork in the road. The right fork would lead me to endure my marriage and try to salvage whatever that was left of it. The left fork would lead me to divorce, but ultimately happiness. I took the left fork, and actually had the strength to go to the courthouse and sign up for a dissolution workshop. Somewhere in the midst of the flowers, the phone calls, finding solace in friends, and listening to my daughter ask where her daddy was, I was became so confused. Maybe I would regret this. Maybe my marriage needed one last chance. I didn't go to my workshop.

I took an about-face towards the beginning of the fork, and decided to head down the right fork. I would give my marriage this one last chance. This way I also knew that I would have no regrets. I'll always know that I gave all of myself to make it work. If he screws up this time, then there's nothing else for me here. I have to be strong to be able to go down the left fork in the road, for myself and my daughter.

As of right now, everything has been good. We haven't had any major arguments, he signed up for an anger management class, he's starting to be there for me emotionally, he's talking to army and navy recruiters, and he's giving me and Lynne more attention. He tells me that I'm beautiful, which, lets face it, every woman needs to hear from time to time. I'm hopeful that we never have to go through this ever again.

I still have some fight left in me :)