HURT

i don't think i've ever been hurt so much by one person before. he says that he loves me but all of sudden his heart turns into stone. he's called me the most hurtful things. he knows exactly what to say to hurt me even more....the kind of things that just pierce right through the heart. i cry but he doesn't seem to care anymore.

i don't have any idea where this marriage is going. he obviously has a problem that he has to deal with within him, and until he deals with it, i think this is just going to keep happening over and over. no matter how many times we fight and make-up, he's never gonna change. i was foolish to think that i could change him.

i'm honestly thinking that we should separate for a while. i'm so tired of the disrespect, and him never putting himself in my shoes. if only he knew how hard it is be a mom, work and go to school. i feel that it's gonna get even worse that it already is. if i get into nursing school next year i really won't have any time to clean his damn house! coz really...to him, that is the issue... that i'm a freakin' slob that never cleans his house. i'm never appreciated for what i do. it doesn't matter that i take care of our daughter, or that i'm trying to go to school to get into a career that will make us financially stable.

my heart hurts, and it is broken. a mere 'sorry' won't heal this wound.

Growing up...

i know i've always known about him from the start and i still continued my relationship with his dad. i found that knowing about him and being around him were two totally different things. i honestly was jealous about the time he was taking away from me. yeah i know it sounds selfish, but i was just barely out of high school when i was confronted with all the potential "baby mama drama." i always told myself that was something that i never wanted to be a part of.

L-O-V-E is a crazy thing. Because i was already starting to fall in love with him, i chose not to see his turbulent past. That includes a psycho ex, a kid, frequent trips to the court house, being beat as a child and as a result was put in a group home...shall i go on? i think i picked the guy with the most baggage.

For a long time, the mere presence of his kid would put me in a real bad mood. i could always feel my heart beating so hard in my chest. I was majorly stressed every time he was around.

Just recently those feeling have been fading away. i'm not too sure what happened. All of a sudden i was ok. i actually surprised myself. i'm not saying that at this point i would be able to acknowledge him as my own coz i think i'm still far from there, but this is a step forward for me.