DR. Phil

I was watching an episode of Dr. Phil yesterday. It was a part of the 'Get Real Retreat.' I was wondering...if I was on there if he would be as harsh to me as he was to some of his guests. The answer is probably yes. He would probably ask me "if you knew he had an anger problem, then why did you marry him???" I guess i was too hopeful that he would someday change and that we'd have more good days than bad. Lately it's been quite the opposite.

i feel so humilated to have said the things i said yesterday and to get nothing but silence or a distastful groan. Can you say "BURNED"?!? The worse is that it's my 'husband' that's making me feel this way. i think i'v gone through my share of emotional abuse, and what seems to be provoking it is if i have any feelings that he doesn't agree with. I know the biggest "THAT'S NOT FAIR" must be flashing in ur mind coz it usually is in mine. I'm at my lowest point right now. I want to just crawl into a little hole and be left alone, but the rational part of me won't let me do that to myself. I just need to get away to think. On my next weekend off, i think i'm just gonna drive. Drive and see where that takes me.

i honestly don't know if even Dr. Phil can help me now.

Do i matter?

Sometimes i think that he wants to live in the olden days where the women was always submissive and always replied "Yes dear." Sometimes i think that he just wants me to agree with everything he says and never question it. I can't have an opinion without him having one of his famous trantrums. It's getting so old, and I'm so tired. He seems to have this mentality of "If you're not with me, you're against me" which is not how a marriage is suppose to work. The reality is that a couple will never always agree. I don't know if he'll ever get it. I just don't know anymore. He his always giving me false hope. He makes me think i have control over something when he's the one that wants all the control.

He finally sold his truck, and one of the first things that came out of his mouth was "i'm going to send my mom to vietnam for vacation." I just always feel 2nd in his life.

And if we want to get technical about it, my parents have given us thousands and thousands of dollars more of help compared to her. Why is he not taking that into consideration? He just loves to put his mom on a pedestal, when she does not deserve it.

I'm just on the edge right now. If counseling doesn't help then i have to go on my way. I know there is a much happier life out there for me, even if it means that i'll be alone.

Stailynne's Party

My baby is a big girl now!

Two years to this day my Stailynne was born.

I can't believe it went by so fast. It seems like only yesterday she was born, and now I have a overly talkitive firecracker on my hands! Unfortunately I have to go to school today because there's a quiz that I just can't afford to miss. I would love to just blow off my classes but I've worked too hard to miss them. So I'm just going to buy her some balloons when I get out of school to make it up to her. She loves balloons or as she says it "banoon."

We don't really have anything planned today besides presents, cake and dinner at home. Something small with just the immediate family. This coming Sunday is her actually party. We're having it at this new buffet here in Elk Grove called the Golden Corral. We opted for this route so that it will lessen the mess that I have to clean up afterwards.

I'm looking forward to many more happy birthdays with my little pumpkin. I love you my lynne-lynne!