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64 GB :)

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Victoria's Secret



Cricut Expression Machine

Can you say "fed up?"

I come home today from a long day of lecture and prep-lab, and what's the first thing my husband does? Say hello? How are you? How was the big exam?

NOPE!

He chooses to pick a fight with me about what he thinks I'm about to say. Mind me, the karaoke was blasting when I came home, but honestly that was so far from my mind. I was just happy to be home and done with that exam. I guess he thought I was gonna complain about how loud it was. He shouldn't have assumed. As this semester goes by, what I think of him is progressively getting worse. He seems so uninterested in everything except on what he wants to do. It's always about him. He said to me one time that he never gets to do anything anymore. I was like "WHAT?!?" What the hell does he think I've been doing? All I do is study and it's still not enough to get those A's that I want. I still work, and I try my best to make time for my family. It really makes me angry that this is the way he's acting because it takes away from my focus. I should be looking up my meds right now instead of blogging.

I've been asking myself a lot lately, how did I end up here? How could I have possibly married this man? I was naive, stupid and blind. A bad combination. Looking back I wish I would have done things so much differently. They say that no one is perfect and that every man is gonna have a flaw so might as well be with the father of your kids. But what if you're more unhappy than happy?

More happy updates...are you surprised? :)

I'm 6 weeks into my program. I have to say that I'm learning so much. I've gone through 2 exams, with a midterm fast approaching. I've also survived my 2nd week of clinicals at Sutter Roseville, which I want to add is b-e-a-utiful!

My last exam...I have to admit was difficult, but I can't keep dwelling on what has passed. The over-achiever in me wants to kick myself in the butt for the grade I got but what good is that gonna do? I have to move forward.

My instructors are great! And they have so much wisdom, and experience.

Professor Dubey: "What do you call a nurse that has a C average? What do you call a nurse that scores low but still passes the NCLEX?- A NURSE"- Yes nursing students have lives too. We have jobs, families, and kids to feed. So if you don't get that 'A' it's ok. Because isn't it an attribute of a nurse to know how to prioritze? With a student that has to work, go to school, and take care of her family, a 'C' is damn good she says.

I'm doing patient care in med/surg next week, plus I'm giving meds. I'm not nervous for the oral meds, but injections are giving me a bit of anxiety. I know I just have to get over myself and do it! Because how else am I gonna learn?

Profeessor Clifton: "If you are out of your comfort zone, then you are learning."- I definitely am! Last week when I was shadowing a nurse on the oncology floor, I saw just how busy nurses can get. I was overwhelmed that she was basically on her feet all day. That's scary for someone that has an office job. But I'm ready to learn...so bring it on :)
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Enough about school...

My daughter turned 3 on Tuesday, October 6.

She's growing up to be the sweetest, wittiest, most intelligent little girl! Don't get me wrong, she's still a monster some of the times, but she's easily appeased. I still can't believe I made her. She's growing so fast. I love you Stailynne!

Stailynne: "Dont' go to work tomorrow mommy. I'll miss you." Then she hugged me. Can you say 'awwwwwwwww!'
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About my marriage....well, he's making money again. Let's face it. Eventhough we think life can't be all about money, it is. So it's helping that I don't have to worry about paying the bills along with my other stresses life school, work, and finding time to spend with my family. But he still has a lot to learn, and right now I'm too busy to teach him.

Let's end on a good note.

I'm excited for what is to come; with my program, my life after the program; and watching lynne grow up. I can't wait!

Updates

Here's a few happy updates:

* i was able to sleep in to almost noon today :) i haven't been able to do for almost three years! (i'm sincerely thankful to my husband for that)
* i'm going to be 26 on August 30th
* my first day of Nursing School will be on August 31st
* Stailynne is officially potty trained! i'm so thrilled about this. she's really growing up. my little pumpkin is gonna be 3 in october. it makes me a bit sad that these years have flown by so quickly but i'm so happy that she's so smart. she can already count to 13 and her sentences are getting so complex. she's so witty, sweet, and funny! i know i can always depend on her to lift my spirits.

Here are a couple of recent pictures of my little girl:

Where do i go from here?

Why can't i help but feel like my life derailed somewhere? Looking back to high school, i have to say that i never imagined my life was gonna be like this. I know people say that it's not good to live with regrets, but to tell you the truth i do have a few on my list.

I should have...
*been more active while i was in high school
*went to a four-year university somewhere far away from sacramento
*started my career before i decided to get married and have a kid
*seen the signs that this marriage was going to be anything but a walk in the park
*focused more on myself rather than always worrying about being alone.

Though i love my daughter more than life itself, and i love my husband most of the time, life hasn't been easy these past 8 years. Getting into nursing school is one of the best things that has happened to me. I know that i'm gonna need a lot of help, but i stand unsure how much of that help will come from my husband.

We've gone through so many up's and down's but at this point i still can't see tai really changing in the near future. i don't know how much more time i have to give him until he sees that i was the best thing that ever happened to him. Not to sound arrogant, but i know that if he hadn't met me that he would probably be in prison right now. But he is yet to give me the importance that i'm looking for. Maybe it's just not in the cards for me....

But what's done is done. All there is left for me to do is to work my butt off in nursing school so that I'll be able to provide for my daughter in the future. Right now i can't say that i'm 100% sure that tai's gonna be by my side. i'm hoping he'll actually change instead of just talking about it. I know what you must be thinking. All i do is hope right? If i had a dollar for everytime i hoped then i would be a rich lady right now. But hope is all that is left.

Lots of Ups and Downs

Ever since I received my acceptance letter from the nursing program, I've been going through an abundance of emotions.

When I opened the letter I got from Sierra College and I began to read it, I was reluctant to believe what I was reading. Maybe the words just weren't translating correctly in my head. It couldn't be. No one gets into the nursing program on the first try. That just doesn't happen. I had to read the first paragraph a couple of times before I realized that I did in fact get accepted into the program. I was thrilled beyond belief!!! But then I began reading further down.

My heart sank to my stomach when I read the next couple of paragraphs. I guess due to my address change the letter arrived to me weeks late. Enclosed in the envelope was other paperwork that the nursing department wanted back by April 22nd. I opened the envelope on the 27th. I was so upset! I thought to myself that this possibly couldn't be happening to me. How lucky was I to get in on the first try only to have forfeited my spot due to mail issues?!? I broke down in the bathroom, and was quiet the rest of the night. I had a hard time falling asleep because I was so distraught.

Tai and I drove to Sierra College the first thing the next day. I was so nervous. I had no idea what to expect when I walked into the nursing office. Tai said that we would not take 'No' for an answer, and that we weren't leaving until we secured my spot in the program.

Well...

Luckily, the administrative assistant for the nursing department was so nice. She said that it was no big deal that I didn't get the forms to them in time, and that I was still in the program if I wanted to be. I filled out my forms and left there with the biggest smile on my face. As Tai and I walked back to the car, I couldn't help but think that this is the beginning of a better life for us. It's been so hard this past year. Things are finally looking up for us. Just two years of hard work then we'll finally be stable. It was a relief to know that it isn't always going to be this hard.

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I went to my TEAS testing just this past Tuesday. They're only requiring a score of 67% so I wasn't too worried about it. The exam was on the computer which was a change from the fill-in-the-bubble types I took previously, and I was timed. I wasn't too happy about that but I trudged on of course. Though I ran out of time on the math portion, I was still able to get more than what they required.

They also handed out an information packet. It had a lot information on what's to come, and what we need to take care of before the actual orientation in August. I began to feel overwhelmed about everything. About the money mostly. The department sent me a list of expected fees for the duration of the four semesters of the program. I almost about had a heart attack when I read that books alone are going to cost me almost $900!!! I've had a headache thinking about school two days in a row now. Tai says that I think too much and that I'm stressing myself out, which is probably true. Alright it's true.

My EFC (Expected Family Contribution) is $0 when I filled out my FAFSA, so I'm really hoping that I can get enough financial aid to cover at least for the first semester. I won't find out for another two weeks or so.

So through all of my emotions of elation, sadness, and stress, all I can really feel at the end of the day is fortunate. I know I'm lucky to have bypassed the years of waiting around, and for that fact, I'm not taking anything for granted anymore.

I'm excited to start my journey to becoming a nurse. School starts August 31, 2009, which happens to be the day after my birthday :-) I'm gonna work my butt off to prove that even with a job and a two year old, I will be able to succeed.

Reflection

A lot has happened since my last blog.

The most detrimental has to be my marriage racing to the point of extinction. I cannot lie and say that my marriage has been the best. To my readers, this may be an understatement. It's been rocky no doubt, and adding a child in the mix just made things all the more complicated. It only made my expectations of him higher. When you have high expectations then you're likley to get dissapointed. Dissapointment was my companion for many years.

One day, after a weekend that was supposed to be filled with laughter and joy, only to be replaced with tears and anguish, I was at a crossroads in my life, a fork in the road you may say. Either I can endure the constant barage of dissapointment, or I can be brave and make the decsion to strive to be happy once again. I told him that I was through, and that I wanted a divorce. He cried and pleaded of course, but my decsion was already made. Nothing he could possibly change my mind. I want a divorce.....

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at least, that's what I thought I wanted.

It's a shame that you just can't turn love off. If we were able to do that, and finally let the mind think instead of the heart, we would save ourselves from a whole lot of pain in the end. Unfortunately, the human race is just not built that way. We let our emotions get the best of us. We let our emotions rule us, so much to the point where it gets us burned numerous times.

Love is stupid I have to say! But then again love can push us to strive to be better people, especially when you think you're going to lose your special someone. Love is never simple. It's complicated, dirty, painful...shall I go on? But at the end of the day, what happens when you can't possibly see yourself with anyone else? Is it just because your scared?

This is where I found myself.

I was at a fork in the road. The right fork would lead me to endure my marriage and try to salvage whatever that was left of it. The left fork would lead me to divorce, but ultimately happiness. I took the left fork, and actually had the strength to go to the courthouse and sign up for a dissolution workshop. Somewhere in the midst of the flowers, the phone calls, finding solace in friends, and listening to my daughter ask where her daddy was, I was became so confused. Maybe I would regret this. Maybe my marriage needed one last chance. I didn't go to my workshop.

I took an about-face towards the beginning of the fork, and decided to head down the right fork. I would give my marriage this one last chance. This way I also knew that I would have no regrets. I'll always know that I gave all of myself to make it work. If he screws up this time, then there's nothing else for me here. I have to be strong to be able to go down the left fork in the road, for myself and my daughter.

As of right now, everything has been good. We haven't had any major arguments, he signed up for an anger management class, he's starting to be there for me emotionally, he's talking to army and navy recruiters, and he's giving me and Lynne more attention. He tells me that I'm beautiful, which, lets face it, every woman needs to hear from time to time. I'm hopeful that we never have to go through this ever again.

I still have some fight left in me :)

At my reach once again...

With President Barack Obama signing the stimulus bill of $787 Billion on February 18th, means that having our own home is at my grasp once again.

My mom went to one her real estate meetings last week in San Jose, and she came home with the best news ever! She told me that due to the stimulus bill that the president signed, current homeowners will have the opportunity to save their homes, and people who have already gone down the road of foreclosure will have the chance to be homeowners once again. She said that so many people have been affected by declining housing market, and so many have lost their homes, and there are still many that will soon be in the same boat. This is directly related to the rise of Americans with bad credit, and bad credit is forcing families to rent. This bill will allow someone to purchase a home even with a foreclosure on their credit. The bank only wants to see that you make enough money to be able to pay your mortgage every month. This bill will also allow investors to own up to 10 properties (used to be only 4). Why not let the people who have the money spend it? It makes sense. Spending money is a part of what will help the U.S. get out of this recession.

So we're house hunting yet again. I thought that I would never be able to watch HGtv ever again without feeling depressed and sorry for myself. I'm so excited! I'll keep you updated :-)

25 Random Facts

1. Patrick Dempsey, Tom Welling, and Robert Pattinson make me drool.

2. I am a Grey's Anatomy addict.

3. I have 2 tattoos (my shoulder and lower back), and i'm planning on getting a third one.

4. I form emotional connections to clothes which is why it takes me years to throw clothes out and is also why I still have Stailynne's newborn clothes that I refuse to give away.

5. I have a non-existent toe nail on my pinky toe.

6. I blame my small skinny fingers for me sucking at Guitar Hero.

7. I'd love it if I could wear flip-flops all year long.

8. I have a strangely good memory in the recent years but I can barely remember back to my years of childhood.

9. Stailynne is a handful, but I love being a mom.

10. I think I'm the only Filipino person that doesn't own a karaoke system.

11. I dunno if i'd ever have the guts to audition for American Idol, though many friends have told me I should.

12. I want another baby. Tai on the other hand doesn't. He wants a van. I told him that if he wants his van then he's gonna have to give me my baby...lol!

13. My mind is running away with itself thinking about the benefits of the military.

14. I learned that the park is not the best place for me. I get really anxious that the big kids are gonna trample over my Stailynne, coz honestly some kids don't give a damn who they hurt.

15. It's been a week since I've eaten rice...yay!

16. I have trouble letting people in...short story...i blame my mother; long story...i'd need a whole book to outline all the bad and selfish decisions she made to mold the person I've become.

17. I hate putting away my laundry. It sits in the basket for at least a week.

18. Music soothes me. I can just get lost in a good song.

19. I'm not good at any sport...unless you call badminton a sport...ha!

20. I want to go to Med School at one point in my life. I'm thinking once Stailynne starts going to school I'll have my opportunity.

21. I hate fixing my hair, and since I cut it short I've had to do it more frequently than i'm used to.

22. I'm a mac-lover. I will never go back to pc's ever again.

23. Once upon a time, I wanted to be a cheerleader...i know...embarrassing.

24. I'm a sucker for romantic comedies, chocolate ice cream, cheesecake, and most of all...sushi.

25. I love my family, but I wouldn't be terribly distraught if I moved some where far far away. I think I'd be relieved.

Nursing To-do

1/29:
*Fill out applications for Los Rios programs (3 total)
*Schedule counseling appts for Sutter and ARC program
*Find out how to get copies of high school transcript

1/30:
*Find reading assesment slip for nursing applications
*Pick high school transcripts from Laguna Creek
*Enroll in yuba college

2/2:
*Call ARC for counseling appt
*Fill out applications for the 6 other programs (Sierra, Delta, Butte, Solano, Yuba & Modesto)

2/10:
*SCC counseling appt @ 9:30 for education plan for Sutter program
*Turn in SCC & Sutter application
*ARC counseling appt @ 12:00 (Turn in app)

2/14:
*CPR class 9am-1pm

2/24:
* Go to Solano College to fill out Nursing Refferal form (Suisuin City).

3/18:
* Call Solano for Nursing Refferal Appt to complete nursing application.

Trapped

i would have never thought that i would ever ask anyone i loved to consider going to the armed forces, let alone my husband. i guess my desperation is starting to show.

Initially when tai told me that his sister's bf kenny called him and told him that he was interested in joining the navy, and said that tai should join too, i thought he was joking. But after talking to my sister-in-law, she told me all of the benefits. Some the benefits are free housing for your family on base, paying off student loans, and they help you purchase a home when you get out of the navy.

No matter how miserable i am living with my parents i honestly know that still cannot afford to be off on our own. This is the only way out for us at this point. It makes me sad that when I brought it up to Tai that all he could think about is me "straying" when he's off doing navy business (Tai wanted to go to the marines after high school). I've never given him any reason not to trust me. This is why i feel trapped. Not trapped by being married to him; more like trapped because of his unwillingness to get up and do something that's gonna change our lives for the better. I know the world is so much bigger than Sacramento, and I just don't want to be stuck living with my parents forever. I don't want to be asking for their help the rest of my life. With this bad economy i understand that everyone needs help. I just don't want their help any more.

Tai needs to open his eyes, and he must do it quickly coz his time is running out. He'll be 34 in June, which is only around the corner.

SHOES!

I bought lynne the cutest shoes ever yesterday. I got them at foot locker and paid about $70 for a pair of chucks and the latest jordans, compared to going to stride ride where the shoes are way over priced. Payless shoes is always a smart alternative coz we all know that our kids are gonna grow out of these shoes in a couple months, but if you want to indulge your kids, I reccommend a shoe store like foot locker. And you have to admit, these shoes are so much more cuter than anything you'll find at stride ride :-)

Two thumbs up for Making Memories

I got my replacement slice yesterday in the mail.

It was so easy. I sent off the broken one about a week and a half ago. I got an email from the customer service rep that they received it, which was on the January 5th. She told me that they were going to test it and would send out a replacement no later than the 6th. Two days later I got my new slice along with some nice freebies :-)

The customer service rep that was assisting me in this whole process made it very easy. She placed no blame on me, and just replaced it, no questions asked.

I understand that not everything is going to be up to standards to the manufacturer, because there will always be one that gets through, but it's nice to come across a company that is true to the warranty. It should just be good business to get a replacement if the one you buy is not up to par, but this isn't always the case.

Dealing with Making Memories was such a breeze. Two thumbs up! I will definitely purchase from them again.

Scrapbooking Tip

Problem: Do you have a ton of scrapbooking albums all over the place and have trouble figuring out in what order they go in?

Solution: 3 Ring Memory Albums - 12x12 - by Keeping Memories Alive. This album is sturdy and can hold up to 25 page protectors (but could probably hold more). Since it's designed like a binder, adding more pages is a lot easier than with traditional albums that are held together with special screws. With 25 pages, back and front...that's 50 scrapbook pages all together! This will keep more of your pages together and will lessen the amount of albums that you have to store.


This one can be purchased at http://shop.scrapbooks.com/kemeal12x12a.html. Scrapbooks.com also carries Hiller, which is also a 3 ring scrapbook album, also a great album to purchase.

I'm hoping 2009 will be a better year

2008 was definitely one of the hardest for me. A lot of money and marriage problems, and to make matters worse we lost our home and have been living with my parents since July. We tried back in August to get a place of our own but that just didn't work out either. Not that it's all bad living with my parents, but it's just nice having a place to call your own. I miss my quiet house and of course my husband and I's privacy. I miss all the space that I used to have. I just miss my house. Whenever I pass by the street I still seem to get really nostalgic and oh so sad. So sad about what we lost. But then again I have to wake up and be glad that we even have a place to live, and like I've said before, it can so much worse. I'm happy that my parents we there to take us in during this hard time.

I'm optimistic about 2009. I have to be. Where else is there for to go but up right? Here are my goals/hopes for 2009:

* Get in a routine of going to the gym to get my pre-baby body back (or as close as I can get it)
* Spend more time with my family
* Apply and get into nursing school
* Get a handle on my finances
* Read as many books as I can get my hands on
* Catch up on a year's worth scrapbooking I missed out on while I was study so hard for school
* Move out of my parents house

Something that's great that came out of 2008 is that I realized that I'm a much more capable person than I give myself credit for. I found out just yesterday that I got an A in Microbiology. That's such a big deal because every person I spoke to before I took the class could only give me a cringe, a big sigh or a "GIRL, that was the hardest class for me!" when I asked them how Micro was for them. Honestly it scared me. I had no idea how my brain would be able to handle such a huge information overload. But along the way I said to myself "What's all the hype about?" I found myself getting A's on all of my exams, and assignments, which I found odd because I've never considered myself to be "smart." I try as hard as my body, mind and other responsibilities allow, which usually gets me to about B level. But this time around something inside me drove me to want more. I read my textbook and studied every chance I got. I'm happy to say that I came out victorious.

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I'm going to try my best to control my stress and just be happy. Coz in the end I think that's really what everyone wants in life.