When is is too late?

i've a lot of time to think today, and i've come to a conclusion that it's very unlikely he will ever change. he doesn't have the first clue what it means to be married and to be a father. he still wants to come and go as he pleases, while i'm the one home with our daughter.

i don't get why he wouldn't want to spend time with her anyways. i always have a blast playing with her.

i'll wait it out until our marriage counseling sessions and see what happens. i'm starting to lose faith in our marriage coz i'm the only one that ones to make it better. he isn't doing much to contribute. u would think after our huge blowup just a couple of weeks ago that that would have sent him on the right path, but nothing has changed. am i just kidding myself? am i just hoping for nothing? will he ever change??? i'm starting to really think it's too late for him and that i should get out now while we have no huge financial burdens holding us together.

not getting that house was a blessing in disguise. whenever we fought before, leaving was always in the back of my mind, but since we had a house to pay for, and so many people relying on us to stay together, i was always too scared.

i'm not scared anymore, nor am i willing to be unhappy forever.

saving this marriage is now in his hands coz i think i've already done enough. if counseling doesn't help then i don't know what else to do. i guess that when we have to go our seperate ways.

if that happens of course i'll stay with my parents for a couple of years till i can get all of my debt paid off and get my credit back up. as far as child support...he's already exhibited that he's a crappy father...stailynne doesn't need that...and i don't need his money. i just want stailynne and i to have a quiet and happy life together. i don't want stailynne growing up seeing me cry.

although this isn't the life that i imagined for myself when i was growing up, i'm still thankful to have my beautiful daughter and my family here to help me when i need them.

Still not looking up...

This economy really sucks right now. Everyone is struggling, which i guess makes all of this more bearable. I'm not alone in this. It does not look like we'll be on our own again for a while, which makes me sad but what else can i do? I just have to make the best of the cards that have been dealt for me, and know that it could always be much worse. I just have to be grateful that everyone is healthy and that there is always enough to eat because that is really what's important.

I'll make the best of where i'm at and just take this opportunity to try to pay off some bills, and save some money. Think POSITIVE and focus on your goals. This is what will get me through these hard times.

I have so much to look forward to...
* My daughter is turning 2 in less than a month.
* Applying for nursing school in January
* Financial stability & hopefully close to being debt free
* & finally being just a threesome again once our credit goes up again...

I'm looking to the future and putting my fate in the stars with high hopes. I have hope, not only for myself, but for all the good, hard-working people in this world, that all my pain and sweat , as well as theirs, will be repaid.

i feel extremely tested right now...

i guess it's true what they say about the 7th year of your relationship being the hardest. i have found this to be true for me especially. 2008 has been the hardest financially and for our marriage. it's been tough.

yeah i get that marriage isn't easy and that it's perfectly normal that a couple argues from time to time. but the way it's been happening just isn't right. not only do we never get to the actual issue coz he's to busy with the pounding of whatever is around, but he knows exactly what to say to pierce right through my heart. it's hard to use his childhood as an excuse anymore coz how much longer can i use that as an answer of why he is the way he is. it is a viscous cycle...and though it's not easy, he has to find it in himself to break it.

i'm so at my wits end right now. though he says every time that he will change, i have not been seeing any improvements. if anything it's gotten a lot worse. love is not enough to keep this marriage together.

i admit that i've been scared. scared that i wouldn't know how to live without him. not only have i given all of myself to him, but through these seven years we've been bound together by finances, and most importantly our daughter. i know that i won't be able to severe all ties. i know he'll always still be there coz of Stailynne, and i don't know if i'll be able to resist taking him back if i do decide one day that i cannot take this anymore.

i know i don't deserve to be treated this way, but there's this naive side of me that just keeps giving him all of these chances to change.

yesterday was a breaking point for me. though i want to need him, i know that i can live without him. with all the pain that i've gone through these past years, it has to be easier than this. i blurted out yesterday "I WANT A DIVORCE! I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE!!!" i was crying the whole time.

the worse part of this is that Stailynne was in the car hearing all of this. she heard all the name calling and screaming. i don't want her live seeing us fight. it's something that i experienced growing up, and when i think about it, it still gives me this bad taste in my mouth. even when my parents fight now it still makes me feel uneasy. i don't want to put Stailynne through that. if there's anything that i want to protect her from it's that.

i took Stailynne to the park yesterday, so she could play and so i could think. i just kept crying thinking about what my life has become, and kept blaming myself for bring a child into this volatile situation. how could i be so stupid to think that he could ever change???

but what's done is done. i can only go forward from here. he finally agreed to go see someone for his anger issue, but only time will tell. because of our daughter, i am willing to take this one last leap. i don't want her to have a broken home, so i will give him this one LAST chance to prove that he wants to change and that he will change to keep our family together. i told him yesterday that will be the last time that ever happens, coz the next time it does then it is truly over.

i hope he does take the counseling that i'm gonna get for him seriously, coz once upon a time we were happy. i just hope that we'll be able to get there again.