There's still good in this world

Today I had an eye-opening experience.

There are times when I think the world is just so full of anguish and hurt, but after seeing the kindness in the hearts of these two kids, it makes me optimistic about the world again. I was so bummed that I didn't have my camera with me that day!

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After running a few errands here and there, Stailynne and I met up with my sister Jamie at Del Taco. I ordered, and we sat in the play area so that Lynne could get some of that pent up energy released. She was so excited to play but found that she could only get to the first level of the playground because she just wasn't tall enough. Jamie took her through once and then sat down and started eating. Regardless of her not being tall enough, she kept trying anyways.

There was a pair of siblings that were also at the playground. The little boy (possibly 4 or 5 years old) was hanging out at the first level when Stailynne popped her head up and said "Help me." He looked reluctant at first, but didn't hesitate to do as she said. He tried pulling her arms up, and lifting her up by the waist, but it just wasn't working. He said that she was just too heavy. LOL! He went to get help from his older sister (maybe she was 6 or 7). There were several attempts on trying to get up to the second level. It was so funny to watch just how hard they were trying. All the while Stailynne was just walking back and forth to the table where we sat eating our lunch, and to the only part of the playground she could reach. I could hear the siblings talking amongst themselves trying to devise a plan help her. Finally after at least the 10th time, I could hear my daughter giggling. I turned around and saw that she was finally on the second level. Jamie and I yelled out "Yay!" Stailynne was thrilled, and the brother and sister were so proud of themselves. I was proud of them too.

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It's not a lie to say that the world is not fair, and can sometimes be a harsh place. But I believe that when we teach our children to be considerate and kind, that ultimately it will make this place a whole lot easier to live in. It's always nice to see a parent instilling good morals in their children. This gives me hope.

My Scrapbook Toy is BROKEN!

This is suppose to be a 'B' people!




I bought the slice back in October. I hadn't scrapbooked in months and was so looking forward to finally having the time to do it again once the semester ended. Once finals rolled around I knew scrapbook time was just around the corner. I was getting so excited! This was a bit pricey but I knew that it would save me a lot of money in the long run...so I would call it a very wise investment. Plus it's compact size is great. To all the scrapbook addicts out there, you know that all of your stuff can just keep piling up, and space can become very scarce. I loved that it was small enough to put in my dresser drawer.

But all of my excitement went right in the garbage when I used it for the first time. Instead of getting a 'B', i got like 20 different pieces of what would have been a 'B.' I was so bummed! I emailed Making Memories and they gave me some tips of what might fix the problem, but nothing. I was still having the same problem. Now I'm in the process of either getting it repaired or replaced. Though their customer service rep that emailed me back was very nice and helpful, I still can't help feeling that I was gypped. I'm losing precious time, and time is something you can never get back. I'm going to the post office to have it sent out tomorrow. I'll keep you updated.

Optimistic once again...

Since my last blog...tai moved back in. he actually moved back in on that Sunday. i know..i think we had the shortest separation ever! lol!

We went to see this low-budget film called Fireproof. It's about a couple that's on the brink of divorce, but the husband's father persuades him to put if off for 40 days. During those 40 days he is to perform the "Love Dare." Everyday he has a new task to do, whether it's not to say anything bad to your wife that day, do something nice for her, or get rid of anything that may poison ur marriage (i.e. gambling, the internet, alcohol...etc.). I thought it was perfect for us to watch considering what we were going through at the time. Though it turned out to be a christian film (cringe)...the principles made sense, and i honestly believe that's why Tai came home.

Hey...who said marriage is easy? It certainly is NOT! it's a fight and a battle to get through, but i'm still in this fight. i hope that with both of us getting help for our own demons, that we'll be able to learn how to put our differences aside and focus on being happy together.

Confused

i don't know how much longer i'll be able to take these mind games he playing with me. One second he pist at me, and won't even look at me. The next second he calling me telling me he misses us. he just drives me absolutely crazy!!!

then he has the nerve to ask how much longer it is i'll be mad at him. i honestly don't know. sometimes i think he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. like he wants to have the title of a husband and a father but he doesn't want any of the responsibilities. he has a lot to learn on how to be a good husband and father. it was naive of me to think that i would be able to fix his broken soul. i've tried for many years and it's just blown up in my face over and over. i give up. if he wants to fix this then it's all on him. i'm willing to take my faults in all of this but it's time that he does too.

it broke my heart when stailynne asked me where her daddy was after he dropped her off. i mean what am i suppose to say to her??? that he misses us but still wishes to live somewhere else? yes...so not fair to stailynne and i. he's selfish.

i told him that he needs to deal with his issues before we can save this marriage. he asked me to give him the number to make the appointment and he'll go. i hope he takes it seriously and that he finally gets to the core of all his anger. i hope he finds a way to just throw it away, so that i can finally get the man that i fell in love with back.

[sigh]

DR. Phil

I was watching an episode of Dr. Phil yesterday. It was a part of the 'Get Real Retreat.' I was wondering...if I was on there if he would be as harsh to me as he was to some of his guests. The answer is probably yes. He would probably ask me "if you knew he had an anger problem, then why did you marry him???" I guess i was too hopeful that he would someday change and that we'd have more good days than bad. Lately it's been quite the opposite.

i feel so humilated to have said the things i said yesterday and to get nothing but silence or a distastful groan. Can you say "BURNED"?!? The worse is that it's my 'husband' that's making me feel this way. i think i'v gone through my share of emotional abuse, and what seems to be provoking it is if i have any feelings that he doesn't agree with. I know the biggest "THAT'S NOT FAIR" must be flashing in ur mind coz it usually is in mine. I'm at my lowest point right now. I want to just crawl into a little hole and be left alone, but the rational part of me won't let me do that to myself. I just need to get away to think. On my next weekend off, i think i'm just gonna drive. Drive and see where that takes me.

i honestly don't know if even Dr. Phil can help me now.

Do i matter?

Sometimes i think that he wants to live in the olden days where the women was always submissive and always replied "Yes dear." Sometimes i think that he just wants me to agree with everything he says and never question it. I can't have an opinion without him having one of his famous trantrums. It's getting so old, and I'm so tired. He seems to have this mentality of "If you're not with me, you're against me" which is not how a marriage is suppose to work. The reality is that a couple will never always agree. I don't know if he'll ever get it. I just don't know anymore. He his always giving me false hope. He makes me think i have control over something when he's the one that wants all the control.

He finally sold his truck, and one of the first things that came out of his mouth was "i'm going to send my mom to vietnam for vacation." I just always feel 2nd in his life.

And if we want to get technical about it, my parents have given us thousands and thousands of dollars more of help compared to her. Why is he not taking that into consideration? He just loves to put his mom on a pedestal, when she does not deserve it.

I'm just on the edge right now. If counseling doesn't help then i have to go on my way. I know there is a much happier life out there for me, even if it means that i'll be alone.

Stailynne's Party

My baby is a big girl now!

Two years to this day my Stailynne was born.

I can't believe it went by so fast. It seems like only yesterday she was born, and now I have a overly talkitive firecracker on my hands! Unfortunately I have to go to school today because there's a quiz that I just can't afford to miss. I would love to just blow off my classes but I've worked too hard to miss them. So I'm just going to buy her some balloons when I get out of school to make it up to her. She loves balloons or as she says it "banoon."

We don't really have anything planned today besides presents, cake and dinner at home. Something small with just the immediate family. This coming Sunday is her actually party. We're having it at this new buffet here in Elk Grove called the Golden Corral. We opted for this route so that it will lessen the mess that I have to clean up afterwards.

I'm looking forward to many more happy birthdays with my little pumpkin. I love you my lynne-lynne!

When is is too late?

i've a lot of time to think today, and i've come to a conclusion that it's very unlikely he will ever change. he doesn't have the first clue what it means to be married and to be a father. he still wants to come and go as he pleases, while i'm the one home with our daughter.

i don't get why he wouldn't want to spend time with her anyways. i always have a blast playing with her.

i'll wait it out until our marriage counseling sessions and see what happens. i'm starting to lose faith in our marriage coz i'm the only one that ones to make it better. he isn't doing much to contribute. u would think after our huge blowup just a couple of weeks ago that that would have sent him on the right path, but nothing has changed. am i just kidding myself? am i just hoping for nothing? will he ever change??? i'm starting to really think it's too late for him and that i should get out now while we have no huge financial burdens holding us together.

not getting that house was a blessing in disguise. whenever we fought before, leaving was always in the back of my mind, but since we had a house to pay for, and so many people relying on us to stay together, i was always too scared.

i'm not scared anymore, nor am i willing to be unhappy forever.

saving this marriage is now in his hands coz i think i've already done enough. if counseling doesn't help then i don't know what else to do. i guess that when we have to go our seperate ways.

if that happens of course i'll stay with my parents for a couple of years till i can get all of my debt paid off and get my credit back up. as far as child support...he's already exhibited that he's a crappy father...stailynne doesn't need that...and i don't need his money. i just want stailynne and i to have a quiet and happy life together. i don't want stailynne growing up seeing me cry.

although this isn't the life that i imagined for myself when i was growing up, i'm still thankful to have my beautiful daughter and my family here to help me when i need them.

Still not looking up...

This economy really sucks right now. Everyone is struggling, which i guess makes all of this more bearable. I'm not alone in this. It does not look like we'll be on our own again for a while, which makes me sad but what else can i do? I just have to make the best of the cards that have been dealt for me, and know that it could always be much worse. I just have to be grateful that everyone is healthy and that there is always enough to eat because that is really what's important.

I'll make the best of where i'm at and just take this opportunity to try to pay off some bills, and save some money. Think POSITIVE and focus on your goals. This is what will get me through these hard times.

I have so much to look forward to...
* My daughter is turning 2 in less than a month.
* Applying for nursing school in January
* Financial stability & hopefully close to being debt free
* & finally being just a threesome again once our credit goes up again...

I'm looking to the future and putting my fate in the stars with high hopes. I have hope, not only for myself, but for all the good, hard-working people in this world, that all my pain and sweat , as well as theirs, will be repaid.

i feel extremely tested right now...

i guess it's true what they say about the 7th year of your relationship being the hardest. i have found this to be true for me especially. 2008 has been the hardest financially and for our marriage. it's been tough.

yeah i get that marriage isn't easy and that it's perfectly normal that a couple argues from time to time. but the way it's been happening just isn't right. not only do we never get to the actual issue coz he's to busy with the pounding of whatever is around, but he knows exactly what to say to pierce right through my heart. it's hard to use his childhood as an excuse anymore coz how much longer can i use that as an answer of why he is the way he is. it is a viscous cycle...and though it's not easy, he has to find it in himself to break it.

i'm so at my wits end right now. though he says every time that he will change, i have not been seeing any improvements. if anything it's gotten a lot worse. love is not enough to keep this marriage together.

i admit that i've been scared. scared that i wouldn't know how to live without him. not only have i given all of myself to him, but through these seven years we've been bound together by finances, and most importantly our daughter. i know that i won't be able to severe all ties. i know he'll always still be there coz of Stailynne, and i don't know if i'll be able to resist taking him back if i do decide one day that i cannot take this anymore.

i know i don't deserve to be treated this way, but there's this naive side of me that just keeps giving him all of these chances to change.

yesterday was a breaking point for me. though i want to need him, i know that i can live without him. with all the pain that i've gone through these past years, it has to be easier than this. i blurted out yesterday "I WANT A DIVORCE! I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE!!!" i was crying the whole time.

the worse part of this is that Stailynne was in the car hearing all of this. she heard all the name calling and screaming. i don't want her live seeing us fight. it's something that i experienced growing up, and when i think about it, it still gives me this bad taste in my mouth. even when my parents fight now it still makes me feel uneasy. i don't want to put Stailynne through that. if there's anything that i want to protect her from it's that.

i took Stailynne to the park yesterday, so she could play and so i could think. i just kept crying thinking about what my life has become, and kept blaming myself for bring a child into this volatile situation. how could i be so stupid to think that he could ever change???

but what's done is done. i can only go forward from here. he finally agreed to go see someone for his anger issue, but only time will tell. because of our daughter, i am willing to take this one last leap. i don't want her to have a broken home, so i will give him this one LAST chance to prove that he wants to change and that he will change to keep our family together. i told him yesterday that will be the last time that ever happens, coz the next time it does then it is truly over.

i hope he does take the counseling that i'm gonna get for him seriously, coz once upon a time we were happy. i just hope that we'll be able to get there again.

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Lately, with the approval of the loan, i've been thinking about how i'm gonna decorate my new house. This is easier said than done. It has been a daunting task so far trying to organize everything in my mind. i've been watching a lot of HGtv just to prepare myself, but honestly i'm still confused as hell.

i've been looking online for any pieces that "move" me, and i have found some from pier 1 that i like. i guess i'm just afraid that with all the work and money i'm gonna put into this house that it comes out nice and not like i just threw a whole bunch of stuff together.

The only thing i'm sure of at this point is that i'm gonna have dark wood furniture, beige walls with a blue accent wall, blue, black, and beige throw pillows, blue curtains, a rug, some wall art, and some plants/flowers.

i really hope it turns it just as nice it is in my mind.

It's coming along...

myspace icons

Am i wrong?

Am i wrong and stupid to think that someday he'll change? I feel more sorry for my baby girl than myself coz she's so young. She doesn't know any better. All she know is how to be a toddler. I mean i highly doubt than anyone here knows of a 22 month old that is well behaved and does everything that she is suppose to do. That is almost impossible, and it's wrong that she has to be punished for his unrealistic beliefs of what a toddler is "suppose" to act like.

And he has the damn audacity to ask me why she doesn't like him, or why she says "NO" when he asks her for a kiss or to go to him.

This is the last time i ever ask him to give my daughter a bath. Yes a bath. Something so simple as this he has to make into a hug commotion where she's crying so much that she's at the point of barfing up all of the dinner she ate, and me screaming at him to "SHUT UP!" So she's crying already and he's making it worse, by asking why she's crying. Like she's gonna answer!

I have no idea what i'm gonna do about him. I know that if he doesn't change soon, that Stailynne WILL hate her dad as she gets older. I would know.

At times like these, I wonder if I'm stupid for hoping that he'll change someday. I hope, for the sake of our family, that he does.

22 Months

She's getting bigger everyday. My parents are saying that she's growing taller and taller overnight!

She's adding more words to her vocabulary today, though she's not yet talking in sentences. Her recent words are "peese" as in please, "su-shine away" as in sunshine away, "wok" as in work, "noodow" as in noodle...LOL! It's so surprising just how smart she is sometimes, and how great of a memory she has.

I can't believe that she'll be 2 in two months. Right now i'm planning a park birthday for her, with just family and a couple of friends. I'm hoping to be able to make her birthday cake for her. I want it took look something like this:

I know that it's gonna be harder that it looks, which i means i better get started on some trial runs. They look so beautiful, and i know that making it myself will save tons of money. Then if i'm any good, I could bake cakes as a side thing to make a little bit of money =)

I'm expecting that she'll have tons of fun on her birthday coz she just loves the park. I think i've made a good choice. i hope everything turns out great.

WE GOT THE HOUSE!!!

We got the house! i'm so happy that everything is falling into place. It's so great that we're getting this opportunity to fix everything in our life that needed fixing. I'm hoping that this will house will allow us to get financially stable, and one day be able to buy the house of our dreams. For now, this house is more than enough. I'm so grateful to everyone that helped us get this place.

I can't wait to move! but i'm thinking probably another two months or so with my parents. the closing date for the house is August 30th which so happens to be my birthday. The keys to the house would be a great birthday gift. but we're gonna clean and fix the place up a little more before we move in. So that means paint, new tile in the kitchen, another round of carpet cleaning (for Tai's sake...he doesn't believe that it's already been professionally cleaned), a new range in the kitchen, and removal of those cabinets in the garage. Once all that is done, we'll pack up the truck and move right on in!

i'm hoping this house will be the start of a better life for all of us.

I'm crossing my fingers

Tai & I saw a house today that we both like. After weeks of disagreeing, i'm so happy that we've finally found one that we both can see ourselves living in. I mean, it has a couple of imperfections, but nothing that makes us wanna run the other direction. It has open space which i love, and it's so close to my parents. And above all the price is more than reasonable. At that price we definitely will be living so much more comfortably.

My mom has started the paperwork already. Now i'm just feeling the apprehension about whether we're offering enough. My mom went up $10,000 more. I'm just wondering if that's enough. She's insisting that it is. So i'm crossing my fingers and hoping that they accept the offer.

I'm already beginning to think about what i can do to make improvements to the house. It needs paint, which is really giving me a headache just thinking about it. I'm so bad with colors. I'm gonna need a lot of help! We have brown couches, and by just surfing the web, i was able to find out that the compliment color of brown is cyan (kind of a blue/green). From there, i'm LOST! so if anyone has any ideas about colors, please leave me a comment (please be specific, i need all the help i can get =) thanks!).

It also needs a stove. I'm thinking about black and stainless steel. The kitchen floor would look great in tile instead of the dingy tile that's already in it.

I hope that we get this place.

Beautiful things for a beautiful home...soon i hope.

Color Palate for Living Room



Home Decor

Silk Block Oblong Decorative Toss Pillow



Large Storage Ottoman: Bed Bath Beyond


Kitchen

I love these plates by Corelle!!!

Cherry Blossom

Asian Bloom

Kobe

Bamboo Leaf

Kitchen-Aid 5 Qt Mixer

Bedding

Rachael Ray Porcelain Enamel Non-Stick Cookware
Bedding


High Country "Adeline": Macys

Wamsutta "Capella": Macys

Reflections Bed-in-a-bag: Bed Bath & Beyond

Spoiled

It's only been a day that i've been staying with my parents and i'm already starting to hate it. but not for the reason that you may think. i mean i'm thankful for my parents taking us in and for all the help they've given us, but Stailynne is even more harder to take care of over there. they spoil her so much that she wants what she when she wants it. so she's crying a lot now which usually was not a problem for me when we were living on our own.

it makes me sad too coz she doesn't call for me anymore. she either wants her lola or lola. i worked yesterday and i was so excited to see her. so when she woke up from her nap i ran to her room and when she saw me she said "lolo?" ...[sigh]...

i hope we get a house soon, so that i can have my mommy's girl back.

21 Months today!

My baby will be 2 years old in three months. I still can't believe it! To me it doesn't seem that long ago that she was a newborn. Now she's running around everywhere like a pro, talking more and more, and being just a brave as she can be. I don't think she's scared anything! She sure wasn't scared of the 6 feet area of the pool. She jumped right in! and along came her lola too!

Happy 21 months baby girl! i love u.

It's all going so fast...

It seems like things are happening so fast. I don't want to leave this place. I brought my daughter home from the hospital to this house. I just thought that I would have more time here.

I cannot stop what's going on so i'm trying to think optimistically. Yes it seems like we're losing a lot but i would like to think that we starting a new beginning. We're gonna start all over again. Hopefully this time we do it right.

Bye house...i'll miss u ;(

July 4th 2008

GRRHHHHH!!!!

Those friends of Tai's need to freakin' get a clue! that they are not wanted here!!! and they're really affecting my marriage.

He totally forgets that we had plans to go out for his birthday tonight, so he was eating all day and is too full to go eat...and then he has the god damn audacity to not tell his friends to leave. Instead of trying to make it up to me by spending a little time with me, he goes downstairs to the garage to continue hanging out with those two. Can anyone imagine what i'm feeling right now? i feel so...[sigh]...unimportant.

Instead of spending time with his family he'd rather call those losers over to waste his time. Freakin' little puppies...so pathetic! GET A LIFE...and stay out of mine.

HURT

i don't think i've ever been hurt so much by one person before. he says that he loves me but all of sudden his heart turns into stone. he's called me the most hurtful things. he knows exactly what to say to hurt me even more....the kind of things that just pierce right through the heart. i cry but he doesn't seem to care anymore.

i don't have any idea where this marriage is going. he obviously has a problem that he has to deal with within him, and until he deals with it, i think this is just going to keep happening over and over. no matter how many times we fight and make-up, he's never gonna change. i was foolish to think that i could change him.

i'm honestly thinking that we should separate for a while. i'm so tired of the disrespect, and him never putting himself in my shoes. if only he knew how hard it is be a mom, work and go to school. i feel that it's gonna get even worse that it already is. if i get into nursing school next year i really won't have any time to clean his damn house! coz really...to him, that is the issue... that i'm a freakin' slob that never cleans his house. i'm never appreciated for what i do. it doesn't matter that i take care of our daughter, or that i'm trying to go to school to get into a career that will make us financially stable.

my heart hurts, and it is broken. a mere 'sorry' won't heal this wound.

Growing up...

i know i've always known about him from the start and i still continued my relationship with his dad. i found that knowing about him and being around him were two totally different things. i honestly was jealous about the time he was taking away from me. yeah i know it sounds selfish, but i was just barely out of high school when i was confronted with all the potential "baby mama drama." i always told myself that was something that i never wanted to be a part of.

L-O-V-E is a crazy thing. Because i was already starting to fall in love with him, i chose not to see his turbulent past. That includes a psycho ex, a kid, frequent trips to the court house, being beat as a child and as a result was put in a group home...shall i go on? i think i picked the guy with the most baggage.

For a long time, the mere presence of his kid would put me in a real bad mood. i could always feel my heart beating so hard in my chest. I was majorly stressed every time he was around.

Just recently those feeling have been fading away. i'm not too sure what happened. All of a sudden i was ok. i actually surprised myself. i'm not saying that at this point i would be able to acknowledge him as my own coz i think i'm still far from there, but this is a step forward for me.

My poor baby!

I've never been so scared and anxious before in my whole life. Not knowing what was wrong with my Stailynne was driving me crazy. I felt so bad for my princess.

She got her 18 month shots just this past Tuesday. A couple hours after, she came down with a fever. I thought it was a little odd that she had a reaction to the vaccines because she had never before. So that worried me a bit, but i expected that with the tylenol that it would go away in a couple hours.

Well...it didn't. She just kept getting worse, until earlier this morning her fever was at 105 degrees! i got so scared that i took her to the ER at 2:30 am. the advice nurse had told me that if her temperature reached 106 degrees to call 911. That was close enough.

They had no idea what was causing her fever. So to determine a possible diagnosis they had to a whole bunch of tests that required blood and urine. it was hard for me to watch the er staff try so many times to get blood from her. She was screaming, and seeing it was making me cry. i had to step out coz i just watch any more.

After a couple more hours of waiting, the test that they were able to get results on were negative, but the cultures would not be back for another 48-72 hours. So they gave her a shot of antibiotic just in case it was bacterial, then we were able to go home.

We've both have had an exhausting day. i hope my baby gets better soon.

Change of ♥

We came to a bitter-sweet decision last night. i've been excited about getting pregnant again, but tai & i decided that it would be better till i finish at least my prereqs for nursing before we try to have another baby. Or rather he brought it up, and i agreed that he was right. He said that we should enjoy Stailynne as long as possible, and wait till she can actually be a big sister. Though i understand why we should wait, i'm still a little sad.

I guess we'll discuss the issue of another baby next year.

I have an appt for my IUD next month ;(

Just karaoke?

i was singing karaoke with Tai's family a couple nights ago. what's the big deal right? i mean everyone sings karaoke from time to time. the big difference is that i finally felt comfortable. i didn't get the feeling that my face was getting flushed, or feel sweat coming on. my voice wasn't shaky, and i didn't stutter at all. i was actually comfortable, which is a really big deal in my case. i have always been nervous in front of crowds, even around my own family. i was shocked, and proud of myself.

after i had sung all of those songs, i just had an overwhelming feeling of joy. holding that mic in my hand, and hearing my voice amplify on the speakers was such a rush. i wish i could sing all day.

i'm considering showcasing my voice to a larger crowd. I dunno...maybe a karaoke bar, or this amature show that i've been getting emails about. then maybe wedding singing...then maybe i'll have the courage to audition for american idol someday. all i know is to me singing=happiness.

Damn BITCH!

i cannot believe our luck with tenants!

we've been robbed, and i can hardly believe it! She stole our fridge, and our washer and dryer. we went to the condo on Tuesday and found that she moved out (which was great), but had left with all of my appliances.

it would be so easy to blame this on Tai. i mean he didn't run a credit check, or even get a rental application from her. i shouldn't have trusted him to take care of it. but what's done is done. there's nothing that i can do, and blaming Tai won't get my stuff back.

i filed a police report that day with all of the information that i had, which was very little. i tried to be as thorough as possible.

what's funny to me is that her husband called Tai telling him that he couldn't get into the condo. and Tai told her what was going on. he told him that she had moved and stole our appliances. he was shocked. he said that he just got back from Australia. they got to talking and he explained that they were going through a divorce, and that he had just found out that she had stole $7000 from him. so he was really upset too, and said that he was behind us in whatever we were gonna do to try to persecute her. he called Tai later that day to give him her social security number and her driver license number. finally, some useful information.

now i'm just wondering whether i should file another supplement report or if i should just wait a couple days to actual to a detective that's assigned to the case to give them this new information i have, plus give them pictures of her that i found at the condo.

i hope she gets everything coming to her.

i'm hoping that everything goes well this next tenant.

Valentine's Reflection

Well... Valentine's Day started off a little rough. Me and tai argued last night, well more like he yelled and i got up and left coz i got so pissed. i mean, what he was yelling about was so un-called for coz i was at school. then when i got home we got ready to go eat out for dinner, so it's not like i had time at all to clean his damn kitchen!

So we didn't talk all night and just went strait to bed. we didn't talk all yesterday either. i was pretty crabby all day at work coz of all of this. it may have looked like i was upset coz tai didn't get me anything for valentine's but that wasn't the issue at all. that's not what started it anyways.

I know he doesn't think that Valentine's is a real holiday, but i would be nice if he acknowledged that it would be a great day to show some love and appreciation. To me, it' s not about the gifts. I could really care less about him spending money. He could even just write me a sweet note on a peice of binder paper and i would be happy.

I thought that maybe when he got home from work that he would apologize to me for yelling at me, but still it was mums the word.

I fed Stailynne and played with her. Then i put her to sleep. I wasn't feeling too good so i showered and went to bed. Me and tai still weren't talking.

So it was the start of a new day (Friday), and i was about to just brush Valentine's day under the rug, but when i went to my car to head to work i saw saw a treat on the passenger seat. There was a card, some chocolates in a heart-shaped box, and a gatorade.

i was running late so i didn't have time to read the card. i put it in my bag and read it at work. it got me a little teary. i know that tai has too much pride, and that apologizing with a card was a lot easier for him. the card just explained that he was sorry, that he was an asshole, and that he still thinks about the first day we met...hence the gatorade (i might blog about that later). He said that he loves me more than anything. Plus he said that he'll try to be more understanding about the house. It was very heartfelt, so it's really hard to still be mad at him.

Maybe we should just let it go...

I'm so stressed and fed up with all the hardships that condo is giving us. To make things really worse that damn tenant of ours isn't gonna go without a fight. i know we're gonna have to go to court. it's always on my mind, which i know is bad. there are so many more important things i need to be worrying about, like Stailynne...and school. i honestly blame tai for all of this. i blame him for being too leniant with that bitch! and letting her move in without cashing her check or getting all the money up front. and for not running a background check or rental application. now we're in this mess. This will be the last time he takes care of anything!

i just want her out of there!

i really am thinking hard about just letting that property forclose after me and tai purchase my mom's house. i don't know if we can do this any more, financially i mean. i haven't discussed this with tai yet. i really don't know what he's gonna say because credit has become important to him these last few years. but if we have our house, and my credit is still good, he doesn't need credit. i think this is the only way we're going to survive.

i'm so sad right now.

16 Months

Today's she's 16 months old! i can't believe that the time flew by so quickly. i can remember like yesterday i was just bringing her home from the hospital, and now she's a big girl. she run's all over the house, talks up a storm, screams her lungs out, and just drives me nuts most of time. but i just love to play with her.

Today i had school, but i dressed her up all cute before i dropped her off with my mother-in-law. She cried when i left her which is always nice, to me anyways, coz i know that she loves me and she doesn't want to leave me. it's just reassuring.

She was a pretty good girl today. She ate what i fed her, which is always good coz she just loves to spit her food out, and just minimal crying.

I can't wait for her next month.

Spening Lots of Time in Time Out

I have to say that my daughter has been giving such a hard time lately whenever it comes to eating. I'm not too sure what to do, then just give her pediasure to make sure she's getting the enough nutrients. She's always spitting every thing out. It makes me so frustrated. I put her in time-out everytime she spits her food out. She can be there for about 5 or 6 times before she decides to eat anything. Then it's a couple spoonfuls then back again to the spitting. i try to give her what she likes, but it's so weird that what she likes one day can change from the next. so it's like trial and error trying to feed her.

It makes me think that i don't even know my daughter coz i don't know what she wants to eat. i just wish that she could talk and tell me what she wants. wishful thinking...i know.

15 Months