i feel extremely tested right now...

i guess it's true what they say about the 7th year of your relationship being the hardest. i have found this to be true for me especially. 2008 has been the hardest financially and for our marriage. it's been tough.

yeah i get that marriage isn't easy and that it's perfectly normal that a couple argues from time to time. but the way it's been happening just isn't right. not only do we never get to the actual issue coz he's to busy with the pounding of whatever is around, but he knows exactly what to say to pierce right through my heart. it's hard to use his childhood as an excuse anymore coz how much longer can i use that as an answer of why he is the way he is. it is a viscous cycle...and though it's not easy, he has to find it in himself to break it.

i'm so at my wits end right now. though he says every time that he will change, i have not been seeing any improvements. if anything it's gotten a lot worse. love is not enough to keep this marriage together.

i admit that i've been scared. scared that i wouldn't know how to live without him. not only have i given all of myself to him, but through these seven years we've been bound together by finances, and most importantly our daughter. i know that i won't be able to severe all ties. i know he'll always still be there coz of Stailynne, and i don't know if i'll be able to resist taking him back if i do decide one day that i cannot take this anymore.

i know i don't deserve to be treated this way, but there's this naive side of me that just keeps giving him all of these chances to change.

yesterday was a breaking point for me. though i want to need him, i know that i can live without him. with all the pain that i've gone through these past years, it has to be easier than this. i blurted out yesterday "I WANT A DIVORCE! I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE!!!" i was crying the whole time.

the worse part of this is that Stailynne was in the car hearing all of this. she heard all the name calling and screaming. i don't want her live seeing us fight. it's something that i experienced growing up, and when i think about it, it still gives me this bad taste in my mouth. even when my parents fight now it still makes me feel uneasy. i don't want to put Stailynne through that. if there's anything that i want to protect her from it's that.

i took Stailynne to the park yesterday, so she could play and so i could think. i just kept crying thinking about what my life has become, and kept blaming myself for bring a child into this volatile situation. how could i be so stupid to think that he could ever change???

but what's done is done. i can only go forward from here. he finally agreed to go see someone for his anger issue, but only time will tell. because of our daughter, i am willing to take this one last leap. i don't want her to have a broken home, so i will give him this one LAST chance to prove that he wants to change and that he will change to keep our family together. i told him yesterday that will be the last time that ever happens, coz the next time it does then it is truly over.

i hope he does take the counseling that i'm gonna get for him seriously, coz once upon a time we were happy. i just hope that we'll be able to get there again.